thermalwind | Life Aftr IC Inbox

[That sheepish look only grows.] It- became a habit in the maze.

[She nods once to say that she's ready and they start the trek back to the cottage. For a moment, she's almost content to settle into a familiar silence. When it breaks almost immediately, she blinks in surprise.]

It is the least I could do. None of us have been ourselves since we left Maati. ...Myself included.

[The way her gaze hardens is enough to say that yes, he's right. Yet she will say it regardless.]

And I did. Though I was more concerned for you when I asked.

[In the past he would have brushed it off and given a vague answer. After his talk with Ann and so many others...he falls silent. After a moment he speaks.]

...it helped. I still get lost in my head from time to time. It’s harder to get out of it each time I lose him. Thought you’d all start vanishing again right after he did.

[And then he would be alone. Again. He had ghosted after them like a shade. He wanted to have last words before they vanished and ensure they were safe until they did.] Maati was more than anyone was prepared for. And...I...thought we’d have a choice on taking the trial.

Edited 2019-01-10 22:43 (UTC)

[Allura waits, and only blinks to show her surprise when he doesn't just leave it as a vague answer, but an open one. To her, of all people. She looks to him, concern and sadness in her gaze - and not pity, but guilt.

Before she awoke on Mu, they hadn't really talked since before he left, and the two times they interacted without the fate of millions resting on their shoulders she didn't want to count. Both being by Shiro's side as the clone's body tried rejecting Shiro's consciousness and her snapping at him while they were lost in space are interactions he doesn't remember, and she's accepted this truth. It doesn't mean she doesn't still carry it with her.

If she closes her eyes, she can hear his voice wavering on the border of breaking. You can't do this to me again, he'd said or will say.

Allura hesitates, but reaches out to gingerly brush a hand across his upper back and pull him into a hug as they walk if he allows. It says so much considering how she guarded that side mere moments ago.

She may have trusted the others in that maze just enough that they could make it out alive, but she openly trusts him to leave a weak spot vulnerable.

The tattoo is gone, but the ghosts and lessons remain.]

Remember what I said on Mu, Keith? ...We are always here for you. [She smiles sadly; it doesn't quite reach her eyes.] And, for as long as I am here...if you need help to get out of your head? All you need to do is ask.

[She'll spar with him if Shiro isn't here. Something she realizes now that she should have offered him decaphoebs ago.]

[The ensuing silence is comfortable. He decides it's a good choice he was open with her. He meets her gaze and tries to tell her with his eyes that he's alright. Well.

He will be.

His heart is still aching and the nights are long without Shiro's heartbeat and the soft sound of him breathing beside him. He will survive. Like he always does. He focuses on the path when movement out of the corner of his eye surprises him. Keith blinks. She secures him in a half hug and he hesitates then wraps his arm around her too. He synced up their steps to make it a little more comfortable.

He listens and nods once.] ...thanks. And Allura, [He looks at her, concern in his eyes.] The same goes. I'll do what I can to help.

[They're friends and she is one of his people. He hadn't truly understood what that meant and what being a leader truly meant until he faced down gods, and met people responsible for their own people. These islands hammered the steel into a suitable sword and shield.]

For stuff for here or from home. [He looks at her again, wondering how to put it into words. Instead, he just hugs her a little tighter.]

...can we sleep in the main room tonight. [Don't leave him alone. Not tonight.]

[Honestly, it probably shouldn't have. He was one of the few she hugged on purpose in their little family. Their team. And right now? They both needed this as much as they did the spar.

Allura nods, her own grip tightening slightly.] Of course.

[As much as she doesn't want her reaction to the nightmares to be louder for him, being alone isn't high on her list at the moment either. She falls back into that comfortable silence before she finally admits something she's held back since she reclaimed her possessions and was given that blasted bracer.]

... Towards the middle of the second day, I began hearing voices. The loudest were my parents', Lotor's... and yours.

There was no yelling. [That would have been easier to handle, honestly.] Only disappointment, and... at some point I realized they were right. [She looks at him; really looks at him.] I ignored your feelings and input on so many things when I should have listened or offered advice from one friend and leader to another. For that, I am truly sorry.

[Even if it might be okay now, the question's there in the silence that follows. She messed up; let her make up for it here.]

[He doesn't know what to say at first. Of all things to apologize for he hadn't expected to hear that one. It reminds him of Shiro the first time he was here. He'd been so angry when he heard why Keith left the Castle of Lions and thus the team to be a Blade. Not with him, with himself. It took a long time to get to sleep that night. Shiro's frustrated words crowding in his head.]

Allura... [His mouth opens and closes with a quiet click. No words come out. He tries again.] We both have done things we're not...

[Keith looks away, his bangs obscuring his face. He takes a breath and looks at her just as they reach the cottage. He turns to face her with eyes full of sadness and guilt.] Hey. I should have listened to you more too.

But, that was then. All we can do is be better here and now. We've come a long way. We got longer to go but we'll get there.

[He struggles with words and she waits for him to say it, and blinks when he says what he does. Allura lets him go, still a little stunned, but... he needs to know the full context. Or, as much as her throat will allow.

She'll have to work on sharing things with those she trusts and cares about.]

I know you're right, and ever since Mu... [Since that shade took her father's appearance, and seeing how much he struggled to explain things but did because she needed to know what was going on.] Too much has been left unsaid, and you deserve to hear it and know why.

[Deep breath, Allura. You can do this.]

On the way to Earth, we get stranded in space. We all start to lose it despite maintaining a routine, and I... said terrible things regarding your choice to leave. I didn't consider why that may have been, only that you had. Because I didn't trust you as I should have and feared you would leave us again.

[Aaand there it is; what she'd been tried for over the span of those three days and kept to herself since she threw those two into the ocean. Her failure to trust others. She'd lost so much and been betrayed so deeply, stuck in her own head, she never realized he'd been drowning too. And now, hearing both from him and Ann parts of what has happened? She can't be that selfish anymore.]

A creature was hunting us and space messed with our heads, but that is no excuse. I was wrong to have doubted you, especially when I couldn't even trust myself.

[Not after Lotor. She holds out her hand. A faint, hopeful smile forms across her lips.]

I know I have not been at my best, especially after Lotor, but... I promise to work on that. [On listening. On not withholding things from him, Lance, Pidge and Shiro should he return. To trust them like they deserve.] As a friend, and as family.

[If he accepts the gesture, she'll add:] Let us get cleaned up.

Edited 2019-01-11 12:08 (UTC)

[He is quiet while she speaks. His silence grows as she admits she didn’t trust him. It doesn’t sound like that now. His instincts from years past is to run from this. To accept the hurts as they come. He used to be the bastard no one wanted. The system had been rigid and he’d been just another problem case.

He shoves it down. She smiles at him and he takes her hand in his. They have both been damaged by life in different ways. But they are not made of their hurts. All the good and bad together makes them up.] Yeah.

I owe you why I left. [He draws her over to the water they keep for washing and drops down to his knees. He can see Shiro’s face when he told him what happened. His grey eyes had widen then swallowed all the grey there was.] After...after pop died. No one gave me a chance.

I met Shiro one day and he saw in me all the things I never would have believed I had. He gave me a second chance and it changed my life forever. At the time we lost him. I was torn two ways. I didn’t know where I belonged and I definitely didn’t think I had any business leading you.

Was I Paladin? [He clears the sand from his eyes and they glow the familiar yellow.] Was I Blade? Where did I belong? And...if I did lead, it felt like accepting Shiro was gone.

So I couldn’t even let Black in. But everyone was depending on me. They needed me to decide things but I didn’t know what to do. Even for myself.

[He had been drowning in the deep end. Without the light that once been patient. Without the support. But he won’t lay the blame on the feet of others.] a i should have cleared my head. Set priorities. I should have done so much. Instead, I nearly got you all killed time and time again.

[He looks at her and there’s guilt on his face. It has the look of years of holding it in.] Some leader I was. But my head started to clear a bit. I was starting to get used to it. I started trying to do my best for all of you. Then just as I started to think it would be okay... we got Shiro back and we fought constantly. I wasn’t your leader. I was the doll in the chair. I begged him to take Black back. He kept telling me I could do it.

Then shutting me down when I tried to make decisions or decide our course. Everyone followed him. I was just enough of a leader now I felt disrespected. [He holds up a hand to forestall any talk as he cleans his face.] He wouldn’t take Black back so I turned to the Blades for training. I just had to get better but....just being rank and file. Doing the missions I felt we should be doing. Learning what it is to be Galra. I felt that sense of belonging. So I started focusing on that. Focusing when I should have been adapting what I learned and make everything right.

But I saw how much better you all were without me. Lance didn’t fight anyone. All of you were just...peaceful. I never meant to hurt anyone and I’m sorry I got so lost in the Blades. I should have focused on all of you. But [He looks away and it comes back. Years old but a hurt that goes down to the soul. He had never found anywhere to belong. Then the one place he felt he could...]

Shiro finally took Black back. So a I left instead. It felt better that way. I didn’t belong with the Blades either but that doesn’t matter. I came back because I knew you would need a leader. I saw glimpses of the future in the Quantum Abyss. I asked mom to train me. She trained most of the Blades. For two years I prepared for whatever was going to happen.

I’m not going anywhere without all of you. It’s my job to keep your safe. I won’t fail that job again.

Edited 2019-01-11 19:47 (UTC)

[She lets her hair down to get out the sand that had gotten caught in the long white strands as the sparred, listening to him as he explains. It feels like she slapped him with the news of his father's passing. He'd never said anything about his family save for wanting to find Krolia, and she brought up her own father so many times she wonders if that had hurt him in some way. Yet the way he mentions meeting Shiro...

You can't imagine all he's done for me.

...That may be true, but now things she saw but never commented on were starting to click into place. Shiro had been his only support when they all should have been. The entire group had failed him in that respect, and any protest she may have had fall with the bits of sand down her hair as she bites the inside of her lip.

They were not peaceful. It had felt like a piece of their family had pushed away from them without warning when they should have known better. At least, that's what it had felt like to her. She wants to argue all the points he makes, but he holds up his hand and she stops again. Let him finish, a voice mysteriously like her mother's says in the back of her head and she relents. When he is done, she gently places a hand on his upper back. She should have asked rather than lecture him about his training with the Blades. And then he spent two years training and trying to figure out what went wrong.]

I know you won't. [She says it in pure faith and trust, finally breaking the silence.] ...You remember how lost I was on what to do when we first met? To Coran and I, we had just lost everything but one another and the mice... and at the same time, everyone looked to me for guidance.

[It hurts to admit; it hurts to open up, but they've let him feel isolated and alone for so long, she does so to show there is at least some common ground. Even if it means acknowledging something left unsaid.]

You don't need to apologize. Every leader makes mistakes, and we never gave you a chance to settle into it as we should have. [She looks at him with the same grief in her eyes. She feels as if she should have known but had been too stuck in ten thousand decaphoebs ago.] You are not alone in that. For example, I nearly led us into giving the other transreality comet to the Alteans in the other reality, and I am the one who led us into an alliance with Lotor; an alliance that will cost so many lives now that it is fractured.

...Even my own father was not perfect. [It hurts to admit; hurts to say that, but even his AI had admitted he'd been wrong to send the Lions away. She lowers her hand and clasps both of them together in front of her.]

None of us took Shiro's disappearance well. Lance and I were both settling into our new roles at the same time, and we never truly adapted to working together in our new formation. After you left... we were not better. We all started to realize something was wrong with Shiro. He got angrier easier, refused to listen to the group as a whole and continually left us in the dark when anything concerned Lotor. And Lance, he never stopped seeing himself as just a boy from Cuba. ...He told the mice that.

[Along with having feelings for her, but she isn't ready to think of that or if she might feel the same way. Especially not when the wound Lotor left had been ripped wide open again.]

...I do not understand all the jokes that the others toss around, and I cannot express how much your planet confuses me sometimes. Yet that has always been a beautiful part of the Paladins of Voltron. We all come from such different backgrounds, yet we all are united by both goals and camaraderie. I'm sorry for my part in pushing you away. The Black Lion chose you. He wouldn't have if he didn't think you couldn't lead us and you didn't belong.

Edited 2019-01-11 20:47 (UTC)

[He undoes the tie holding his hair back in a ponytail and washes the sand out while she speaks. He winces when she mentions how lost she had been at first. They should have done more to make her feel less lost. He knows for a fact that they had fallen into a chain of command. Allura had been at the top of it.

By right and by the fact she knew the most. But her words match Shiro's from that long ago conversation. They'd sat at the fire as Shiro spoke with frustration lacing his voice. The apology from that time still haunts him. He jerks his head up at the admission of guilt over the alternative Alteans. But he says nothing and doesn't protest that. The point of Lotor however. He says nothing and not even his face gives away his thoughts on that.

Lotor had lied and deceived them all. The admissions keep coming. He says nothing and focuses on her words as he washes his hair and lets it hang loose down his back. He slips off his Blade armor and washes that too. It keeps him from saying anything about Lance.

He has a lot of suspicions about their friend and he has to figure out a way to show Lance he means just as much as anyone else. He'll have to involve the whole team. With Pidge missing that's one brain they really could have used. It's just the three of them for right now.

He towel dries his hair and leaves the armor to dry then turns back to her.] If it helps, I don't always get their jokes either. But you're right. We all have something to give to the team. There's the six of us, and we have a lot we can learn from each other.

[He shifts and smiles at her.]

...I know Black chose me because I can do it. I know that now. I won't let you guys down again. ...and maybe we can help each other feel less lost. I can teach you modern Galra if you'll teach me Altean. Maybe if Romelle shows up we can both teach her the stuff she doesn't know about the universe.

[Allura slips off her paladin armor and wipes it off, a faint smile crossing her lips. That's exactly why she mentioned that she didn't get their jokes.

She knows. Lance had told her as much before Keith contacted them again after he went after Shiro alone and Pidge stopped the virus. She should have been suspicious after everything he did to manipulate them before, but... she let herself get close. Loved him, and still does. She dries her hair as best she can and her armor; trying not to laugh at the thought that comes to mind at the offer. (She fails.)]

Of course. ...Perhaps without the Altean alphabet song. I'll admit Earth's number system is confusing as well.

[She pauses, before her smile turns just a little bit mischievous.] So, did Lance ever tell you about a game Coran dragged out called Monsters and Mana?

[He blinks, eyes going a little wide at the name.] No. What is it?

[Like a curious cat his attention focuses entirely on her. She said the magic words. He always loved action anything as a kid. It made sense to him. Fighting makes sense. This sounds like a fighty kind of game.]

[She sees that look in his eyes and hers sparkle just a little bit. She has him curious. Excellent.]

Monsters and Mana is a tabletop action/adventure fantasy game where we create our own characters and assume their roles during the game session. It is a tad like some of Earth's video games, but the course is guided by one person at the table known as the Lore Master. They play all the extra characters and the monsters, and force the players to think of creative methods of counteracting their plans and obstacles.

Most of which involves fighting and strategy~ [Does she have you interested yet, Keith.]

Edited 2019-01-15 21:09 (UTC)

[His eyes widen further and he leans forward. He wants to hear more. Fighting is his fun when it's not life or death. Keith flexes his fingers and slips his armor back on to hide the sudden eagerness.]

So, we create these characters and battle within our roles against a scenario the Lore Master makes. I take it the Lore Master also sets objectives and goals?

[A note of that eagerness slips into his voice. He wants to hear all of it. This sounds cool!]

[Yep. Definitely has him interested. She grins, agreeing completely that it is fun at least in this setting.]

Yes, they do. Though some things do need to be made up on the fly, considering how the players may... [A pause.] I believe the Earth term is "throw a wrench in the works"?

[Bless her; she's trying.]

[Keith snags his brush and pauses. Should he offer? Allura has a lot of hair and that has to be a pain to take care of by yourself.]

...I've actually heard of that one. Yeah, that's the right phrase. Uh...do you want help with your hair?

[He holds up his brush. It's well kept and clearly cared for. He looks a little awkwardly at it then back at her.] I'd be careful. I promise.

[Allura visibly relaxes slightly (thank the Ancients she caught that one at the Garrison) but pauses, raising an eyebrow. Since waking (and summarily fallen into Lance's arms) that day, she'd gotten used to doing her own hair when her four little friends didn't help her. The surprise at the offer is obvious.]

...Sure. [She blinks a few times, but turns around with a sheepish smile crossing her lips.] I trust you.

[With far more than simply a hair brush. Though now she's contemplating something...] Have you ever had your hair braided, Keith? It's certainly starting to get long enough to do so.

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